How the ER staff really feels.....

1. The world of the E.R. does not revolve around you. There are sick people here, and you may or may not be one of them. We get to decide that. If its chronic, and already diagnosed by your doctor, its not an emergency. (Ex: back pain x 3 years.)

2. Our definition of sick may not be your definition of sick. If a member of the E.R. staff says that someone is sick, it means that they are in the process of DYING. They have had a massive stroke, are bleeding out, having a heart attack, or have been shot. We dont consider a toothache sick. Painful yes. Sick, no.

3. At any given time, one nurse has six patients. One doctor has up to 15 or 20. There is a law (similar to Murphys) in the E.R. If you have six patients: Two of them will really be sick. (see ..2 for definition) Two of them will constantly be whining. This includes family members who insist on reading the monitor and pressing the call bell. One of them will be homeless. And one of them will be a delightful patient. Dont be a whiner. Do not ask for a meal tray and a warm blanket before you get into a gown. This is not a bed and breakfast. Also, its rude to eat and leave AMA.

4. Physicians and nurses are not waiters. We are not customer service representatives. This is not McDonalds and you very well may NOT have it your way. Our job is to save your life, or at least make you feel better. If you want a pillow, two blankets, the lights dimmed and the TV on channel 14, go to a hotel.

5. If you have one of these four things, go to your own doctor in the morning: 1. A cold. 2. The flu. 3. A stomach virus. 4. Anything chronic.

6.If your child has a fever, you had better have given them Tylenol before coming in. Do NOT let the fever remain high just so we will believe the child has a fever. Do you want your child to have a seizure? Well, do you?

7. We have priorities. We understand that you have been waiting for two hours in the waiting room. If you dont want to wait, make an appointment with your doctor. The little old lady that just walked in looking OK to you is probably having a massive heart attack. Thats why she goes in first.

8. Do not ask us how long it will be. We dont know. We dont know whats coming through the door 30 seconds from now so we surely dont know when you'll be getting a room. Never ask the triage nurse if you'll be admitted.

9.We are not here for primary care. An emergency is something that is life or limb threatening that requires immediate attention. Get a family doctor and go see him.

10. If you have diabetes and do not control it, you are committing slow suicide. Non-compliance will not get you much sympathy. Especially the 4th time.

11. We know how many times youve been to an E.R. We can usually tell if you are faking it or just seeking drugs in the first five seconds of talking to you. Do not lie to us. If you lie about one thing, we will assume you are lying about everything. You don't want that. Coming in for detox 2-3 times a week is insincere.

12. If you are well enough to complain about the wait, then you are well enough to go home.

13. If your mother is a patient and we ask her a question, let her answer it. We are checking her level of consciousness, not yours!

14. If you see someone pushing a red cart down the hall at full speed and you hear bells going off, do not ask for a cup of coffee. Someone is dying.

15. If you have any sort of stomach pain and you ask for something to eat, you are not sick. If you are here for vomiting, we are not going to reload you.

16. If you can complain about the blood pressure cuff being too tight, or the IV needle hurting, you are not in that much other pain. PS-if you have more than three piercings or tattoos, dont tell me youre afraid of needles.

17. If you want to get something, be nice. I will go out of my way to tick off rude people.

18. Do not talk badly about the other members of the staff. I work with them. The doctor that you hate I work with every day and I know that he knows what he is doing. I trust him a lot more than I trust you. I am not here to be your friend, and neither is he. I will tell him what you say, and we will laugh about it.

19. Every time I ask you a question, I learn more about what is wrong with you. I don't care if someone has asked you what day it is four different times. Each time I ask, it is for a reason. Just answer the questions, regardless if you have answered them all before.

20. Do not utter the words, You have my records. I dont have your records, and I dont have time to call and get them. Just tell me.

21. Do not bring your entire family with you. One person at the bedside is all you need. It is really difficult to work around seven people in the event that you are really sick. This is a hospital, not a place for a reunion.

22. Bring a current list of your meds and allergies. Include the doses. Nobody should be taking medicine if they dont know what they are or what they're for.

23. I know your doctor said to Go to the E.R. and I will call and tell them that you're coming. He probably didn't. And the chances are even less that he will meet you there.

24. If your doctor sent you here because his office was busy, you may want to let him know that you waited five hours in the waiting room with 60+ contagious people and 4 more hours in the actual E.R. to get your sore throat looked at.

25. We dont do dental. Dont come here because you didnt pay your doctor or dentist for your last visit and you think you can stiff us for the bill. We will collect, and an office call at the doctors office is about $85. An E.R. visit will be around $1000.

26.Its not cool to call 911 and tie up an ambulance crew for a non-emergency call just because you dont have cab fare. On the same note, dont hit us up for a cab voucher and then ask for change for a $20 to get a Pepsi on the way out.

27. Coming to the E.R. by ambulance does not guarantee you will get right in. We routinely move folks from the ambulance stretcher to a wheelchair and triage them to the waiting room.

28. We've seen it all. Moaning, writhing, screaming, falling out on the floor or faking a seizure will not speed up the process one bit. Making obnoxious retching noises and then spitting in an emesis basin is not convincing either. If youre gonna barf, barf.

29. If you come in on Tuesday with chest pain that started Saturday, dont expect us to get excited. You didnt! Any chest pain should go to the nearest E.R. immediately.